Everything But Myself
What a privileged thing to say “I have no regrets”. Having no regrets is the implication that you always had a choice. Having no regrets is the assumption that you are fully cognizant of the ramifications of those decisions as you make them. I remember being in my 20s reflecting on my life up until that point and feeling content with my decisions. Now in my 30s, I’m really disappointed in the lack of self-esteem and self-worth that some of my decisions reveal. There were so many times when I compromised my own peace and even my identity in order to just get along. The lanes of my memories are riddled with priceless pieces of myself that I bartered to get from there to here. It’s devastating. It’s depressing. It’s a travesty.
I regret that I often undersold myself. I underestimated my worth and it shows. I fought for everything but myself.
I regret that I let others set the standard and tell me what I deserved or who I was. I fought for everything but myself.
I regret that I foolishly undervalued my contributions and my presence in the lives of those who devalued and degraded me. I fought for everything but myself.
I regret that I was silent when I should’ve been loud.
I regret that I stood down when I should’ve stood up.
I regret that I allowed others to cultivate doubt in me where it never existed before. I nurtured it and allowed it to flourish when I should’ve been focused on building my self-confidence.
I fought for everything but myself.
I regret the choices I made that splintered me and especially the ones that shattered me. I’ll spend my 30s rebuilding. I’ll take my time this time. I’ll choose myself this time.
I can’t rewrite history. I can’t undo what I have done. I can learn from it and become better. I can fight for everything, but especially for myself.